Since Abi was born I've suffered with the occasional bouts of 'mum guilt'. From feeling guilty for not going to the park, to feeling guilty for snapping at her when she's been naughty. Both reasons are absolutely ridiculous to feel guilty- your child can't expect to go to the park every day, nor can you as a parent not tell your child off when they have been naughty. How will they learn?
Abi played a massive part in our decision to have another baby. She's been asking for a baby sister or baby brother since she was old enough to understand and despite being so young, she's phenomenal with babies and children younger than her. She has the biggest heart and for a 3 year old, she has the patience of a saint that gives most adults a run for their money. When we eventually fell pregnant, at no point did we worry about how Abi would be. We knew she would be fantastic, but when the problems started at 5 weeks pregnant and I was unable to do the things she was so used to me being able to do with her, I could feel my mum guilt returning. At this point we didn't know that I'd spend the whole pregnancy on rest, and even with the prospect of only a few weeks of rest till we came out the danger zone I was feeling like the worst mum. Abi was fine. She struggled to understand why she couldn't jump on mummy anymore or why I couldn't play or carry her but she didn't show much in the way of frustration. I put my guilt down to my own silly sense of paronia and anxiety. As times gone on and I've started to struggle more with pain I've found myself getting angrier quicker and lacking the patience I used to have and Abi of course has picked up on that. 3 year olds are surprisingly smart and aware of what's going on around them. They also say things with such honesty it makes you stop and think. On a particularly bad day, Abi was persistently being naughty. But not just toddler naughty- she was spiteful naughty. Hitting, name calling and making a destructive mess wherever she went. If I hadn't been struggling so much I would of probably just sat down, put friends on repeat and ignored her and let her be. But it was like she was purposefully going out her way to hurt me and without much warning, I snapped. I picked up the toy she'd just thrown at my face and put it in the bin (well pretended too) I took her by the hand and stormed her upstairs where I promptly yelled at her, telling her she was a naughty horrible child. At this point she wasn't phased. She just stood staring at me. I slammed her door, shouted some more and then proceeded to hide in the bathroom crying. I felt horrible. It probably doesn't sound as bad as what I felt it was, but it was bad to me. After 5 minutes she came out her room and calmly and simply asked 'why are you always so angry at me mummy'. I stopped crying, looked up at her and just grabbed her and held her so tight she laughed and told me she couldn't breathe! I couldn't believe my 3 year old had asked such a question, and it dawned on me then that to her it must seem that I am always angry with her. Her mummy suddenly doesn't pay her all the attention she's used too and I'm suddenly a snappy monster. It doesn't matter how smart you think your child is- she's just that, a small 3 year old who doesn't understand everything like we assume our children do. That night, I gave her a bath, had cuddles watching telly, then after I put her to bed- after some serious bed snuggles - I came down stairs and cried at how horrible I'd been. Chris thought I was having some sort of emotional break but he's a man and men will never understand the effect of hormones and just how powerful they are!! Mum guilt is real. It's the most overpowering, gut wrenching feeling. I've spent the last 6 months torn between being the best mum I can be to my 3 year old and being the best mum I can be to the little bean that's growing inside me- and the whole time Ive been fighting to choose, not once have I thought about myself and how much I need to be selfish for my own sake. At the end of the day the baby is perfectly safe in my belly, it's me who has been at risk. The emotions you feel as a mum are like no other. You're suddenly the bottom priority on your priority list, you're even below the washing and the pet rabbits. And I would never change that for the world. I love the life we have created for our daughter and for the new baby. There are days when I find it better to balance my emotions- like today, not once have I felt guilty. We have managed to do all our little chores, eat a pretty naughty lunch (treat Mondays are our new thing now that daddy's back at work) and play, all while being mindful of the pain I'm in and making sure I've taken an hour to sit and read while Abi plays on her own with hundreds of toys- and because I got my balance right, she hasn't winged or demanded my attention once. Of course I could completely get the balance wrong for the rest of the week but for now I'll revel in the fact that today I accomplished being a patient, non guilty mum all while looking out for myself too! And getting my few things done!! I am 100% certain my mum guilt will get worse once baby is here, but I'm also making sure we are all Prepared for having a new little family member to focus on. Abi has already started to plan what she will be doing to help- apparently she can't wait to help change her baby sisters pooey nappies (something I know she will change when she sees them). Im often finding myself getting anxious at the thought of trying to share my time and love between two little ones, and as the date gets closer it is getting worse. But like I said above, I'm preparing us all for the big change- and to be honest, Abi seems to be the most prepared out of us all. Being a mum is my greatest achievement to date. I love it- even when I feel guilty, angry, fed up or overly emotional. And like anything we enjoy- guilt is a natural emotion towards it occasionally. From now on, I plan on stopping and thinking before I react, or when I feel myself suffering or getting tense at the typical threenager mood swing, I'll walk away. And most importantly- I'm going to stop being so hard on myself. Ill need to think of a mumma mantra to help! Jess X
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Shopping has always been one of my favourite things, but when you have little people it goes on the back burner and you learn to love shopping for them more than you ever did yourself! Abi is a definite shop-o-holic and loves a new wardrobe. We don't do it often because until recently she's been pretty slow at growing- still wearing her 18-24 month clothes because she's so diddy!! But like I said, that was until she suddenly shot up and her long slim legs started to resemble Kendall Jenner. Usually when we haul in the start of a new wardrobe I head straight to next or Tesco but thought we'd try somewhere different in the way of matalan this time around. I took no time at all in putting my bed rest orders to good use with an online shopping spree (much to Chris's pleasure) Abi is pretty adamant when it comes to knowing what she wants and refusing to back down until she gets it- not in a spoilt way, she just knows her individual style. She's also a pretty active monkey who loves a good pair of leggings, so jeans aren't often on the agenda. Our first haul consisted of actual outfits more than anything else... The above being our favourite, I'm definitely looking for a mummy version of her coat and boots while writing this!! So along with 3 pairs of your standard super soft leggings/jeggings she also picked her self a new jumper- which are her major staple in her winter wardrobe- and of course it had to have a cat on it!! It's soft and snugly and she looks super comfy in it. Thankfully Abi definitely has her daddy's small shoulders unlike my quite broad ones, so despite her finally fitting in size 3-4 trousers, she's still a much smaller size in her tops but we decided to go for the bigger size this time because, Sod's law, I know we will buy some new clothes in her usual teeny size and she'll wake up tomorrow morning with shoulders of the hulk and resemble more my stature! We went for a pack of 3 basic long sleeve cotton shirts and a pack of 3 patterned shirts, one with this cute owl on it and the other is in the first picture of her favourite outfit! Abi being the already fab big sister that she m is decided that we needed to finally purchase a babygro for the new baby- something we haven't done because of all the baby girl clothes we kept from when Abi was tiny (Thankgod I'm a hoarder) Shes decided that this is the outfit that baby girl Bolton needs to be wearing when she first meets her big sister- tho it is a size 0-3 months so I'm hoping it's not- no one wants to give birth to a baby that big!! As soon it arrived in the post this morning, we had a quick fashion parade in our lounge before heading off to nursery sporting her new outfit! And while she's been gone? I've started another basket of her new wardrobe - with a few added mummy bits :)!
Jessica X |